Category Archives: Ingredients

5 Things Dad Should Never Do in the Kitchen

Man cooking kitchen finger food drippingMost of the time, a guy in the kitchen won’t think twice.  Which is why women keep a careful watch.

Let me say, I don’t know of a single case where a family has ever keeled over and expired because of a man doing any of these things.  In fact, most of the time, the family probably gets along just fine for years without ever noticing.

Then, occasionally, someone does notice and an alarm will go up, so even distant neighbors pause behind their windows and wonder what  sick biohazard stuff dad’s been up to in the garage.

In the interest of domestic tranquility and general hygiene, consider these five tips on kitchen and cooking mistakes you might want to consider breaking.

1. Do Not Taste Food with Your Fingers   Now, at first it seems reasonable that those pointed things on the ends of your hands were custom built for the job of dipping into food, to check flavor or doneness.  However, its come to my attention that some people think men do not wash their hands nearly enough.  Or, they do not know where those hands have been. Therefore, it’s unwise to slip them into the pot or serving dish for sampling.  Especially more than once.

2.  Do Not Mix Food With Your Hands  This makes little sense.  A spoon or fork is slow and clumsy when it comes to,  say, tossing a salad, unless you want it on the floor.  And for blending sugar or spices into food that’s thick as paste?  And, are we  sure a spoon is really cleaner? I’m willing to bet, you have no idea where it originally came from. Or what somebody did with it before you got it.  Even so, some people consider it completely gross when you use the good hands you’ve had your entire life.

3.  Do Not Get Food On Your Clothes   Somehow, food which is good enough to put into your mouth, is no longer safe if it lands on the outside of your jeans or t-shirt.  Once there, it apparently turns instantly foul and repulsive.  You can no longer eat it. You need to immediately change, because wearing food below your neck puts some people completely off their appetite.  Apparently the only way to avert this disaster is to wear an apron.  A food-smacked apron makes folks feel homey.  On your t-shirt, the same thing is just stains and grime.

4. Do Not Mix The Wrong Foods Together   Many dads don’t realize,  certain spices, ingredients and seasonings need to be kept as far from each other as possible. If they ever are put together, the food turns instantly disgusting.  I’m told, someone doesn’t even have to taste it, to know its bad.  Apparently, everybody (who is not a man) knows this. You just don’t mix certain things together, even if you think it might work.  Or because they were the only food items you could find in the refrigerator. That’s a concoction.  Decent people don’t eat concoctions.  That’s why we have recipes.

5. Do Not Use the Kitchen Sink for Cleaning  Dirty things have no place being washed in the kitchen sink.  It’s used for washing.  That’s  just the way it is.  If you want to wash hands in the kitchen, go wash them first in the bathroom.  Don’t bring that filthy dog in here.  Don’t even dare think about doing anything greasy, gummy or grimy in there at all: the sink might get dirty. And then where would we wash up?

Good luck with all this, and take my word, there’s no point going to the mat on a single one.  By the way, when I talk about aprons, I’m talking about the kind a man should be comfortable in.

And since I get asked what that means, I decided to come up with a few one of a kind, Dad’s own, like the one’s below, that a guy can be PROUD standing in at the sink or stove.  Not your mother’s apron, by a long shot.  And, enough with the BBQ already – these are for men who cook in the kitchen, with some attitude.  Tshirts, for those who prefer to just wipe the hands.  Printed and delivered through Zazzle, a pro place that does high quality work, and ships worldwide.   Dad’s In the Kitchen! Gift Shop

Go over and take a look if you’re in the market.  I’m told some women find a man in an apron sexy. There are some fun ones, I come up with new ones every week, customizable, plus mugs and other gear.   Let me know what you think, or what you’d like to see .Gift cooking aprons for men and dads Chicken Dinner and I Love Dad's Cooking

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Banned Food Ingredients

Dads In the Kitchen cooking tools

Not being properly trained to cook, you, like me, may feel free to come up with your own ideas about what to combine to make a dish.  It’s a natural inclination.

This is how it works.  You take a look at that dish you’re working on.  It just seems, wimpy. You think, let’s put some cheese in it.  And some mustard. And sunflower seeds. And let’s see what else is handy in the fridge.

Now,  it may come as a surprise to find this kind of creative kitchen activity is not universally appreciated.  In fact, for many women it is downright alarming.  Like when the Secret Service learn an escaped psychotic in a clown suit and a small plane is heading to meet the President.  You just want to share a brainstorm you’ve had.  They believe you are the fourth horseman of the Apocalypse, with incredibly bad taste.

I have no idea what originally caused people to start putting sticks, leaves, and whatnot together to come up with things like ice cream and apple pie.  Or, beef stroganoff. But I tell you, it’s pretty hard not to want to try a bit of this and shake of that, just to see how it will turn out.

Unfortunately, this is against the laws of nature.  The outcome of your food efforts will be a concoction, and concoctions are biblically banned in all fifty states, and not allowed in the kitchen, or on the table, of decent people.  In fact, little girls are warned about what will happen if men are allowed to make concoctions, and mothers will protect their broods from them.  Mothers who discover sons with such tendencies usually steer them into chemistry, or becoming Bobby Flay.

Men cannot be trusted to just make things up in the kitchen, because unlike women, we are likely to use ‘weird’ ingredients.  These are ingredients which look innocent enough on the shelf, but have been legally determined cannot to be brought together in any edible dish.  I don’t have the list for you yet, but I’m working on it.

The bad news is, once you’ve been caught, there’s no shaking the stigma.  My kids won’t sit down to any meal I’ve fixed without asking, ‘Daddy, what’s in this?’, so they can decide whether to skip it. Or need to tell their mother I’m doing voodoo on the family again.

My advice – the wise man in the kitchen will resist the temptation of discovery.  Just give em what they want during the week, and let your wife take poison control off speed dial.

Keep watching here for that list, or if you have a minute, send along some combinations you’ve uncovered yourself.